How to Just Get Over It

Again, another click-bait-y title because my honest answer is to not try to get over whatever it is. Then, you’ll Chinese-finger-trap your way out. Trying to get over something usually causes us to grapple with it a lot more. I’ve noticed when people are trying to get over something, they vent a lot. (Including me!)

I actually just got out of a therapy session with my beloved therapist, and we had a lively debate over the purpose and usefulness of venting. She thought it was useful. I had been thinking about it all day today and concluded that it’s not. I won the debate!!

Just kidding. Our debate ended as they usually do: we actually were in total agreement and just saying the same thing in slightly different ways.

Shit happens to us and it can be pretty shitty sometimes. I want to declare that the “it” in my Get Over It title is not referring to egregious and serious harms like rape, physical violence, horrible injustice, etc. I mean, those things can totally be healed in theory, so I could be including them in this discussion. It’s just that I ain’t your therapist and this ain’t therapy. Read on at your discretion.

When shit happens, we have a natural, knee-jerk reaction of something like fear or anger or upset. Good; that’s normal. The next thing that comes is the wave of emotions, words, and thoughts that we’ve spent many, many years perfecting as a part of the story around the shit that’s happening. “This always happens to me” “I’m so blah blah” “Fuck that guy” “Fuck this job” “I hate blah blah”.

Even though this is also normal, this is the part where we have more say in the matter as to whether we want to keep that attitude and story, or we want to start writing a new chapter. Honor your feelings around your shit by feeling them viscerally (sorry, that almost always means crying). What I don’t recommend is to start complaining. Complaining will keep you stuck.

Complaining and venting are practices. It’s you practicing being upset and/or an effect of the world. Venting is an action that I can guarantee you is not in alignment with your core values as a human being. Your values are something like… love, kindness, generosity, creativity, empowerment, humor, etc. When you take actions that are in line with those values, the long-term result is a deep feeling of satisfaction.

I mention the word long-term because I get that in the short-term, venting might feel good. Like a quick hit or a temporary relief. We all know that going for things that give us fast gratification is a slippery slope. Complaining does the same thing.

“But Janan… am I supposed to just bottle up when something rubs me the wrong way or upsets me? Don’t I need to talk about it? Also, aren’t you a comedian? Don’t comedians just funnily complain?!”

The way to get over it isn’t to complain or to bottle it up. I already gave step one: feel the feeling viscerally and physically. The second and last step is to express with compassion to yourself. That is different than venting, and here is an example:

Last week I started my new job and it was a super rough experience. It was a big life change, and I really felt the challenge of that change. I had to sit in traffic almost 2 hours each way and learn things I didn’t want to learn, and felt stress build up inside of me. I cussed in the car a few times and felt pretty pissed. I learned that this week, I need to sleep a little earlier, say no to a couple more things, and remember that it’s all for my little daughter’s future.

I wrote that above paragraph after I did some deep breathing, took a walk, and had a little tiny cry. I wrote out what did actually happen and acknowledged that it wasn’t an easy experience. And I do, indeed, feel over it. (Disclaimer: getting over it once does not mean you won’t have to deal with it again… yay 😉)