How to Stop Seeking Approval

Do you ever worry about what people will think about you? Maybe not everyone… maybe it’s just certain people like someone in your family, your partner, your coworkers, etc. I feel this. As a comic, I have made my career out of dancing for scraps of approval & money, a modern-day court jester, sinisterly plotting for the downfall of the ruling class, but doing nothing except continuing to make crazy faces and voices and let my bells jingle… 🤹🏽

You may find that many times, you do things just to appease that person or those people. Or to look good in front of them and be praised, accepted, loved, cherished.

I’m here to tell you… that that’s fine!!! The cool thing is, now you’re this conscious about it. What’s not cool is suffering or feeling bad and not knowing why because you have zero awareness of approval-seeking habits. So, you then may ask: “Do I really want to be doing the things I’ve been doing, in this way? Or is it building a yucky feeling in me (like resentment, anxiety, sadness, apathy, etc.)?”

We exist as a community species, and so we are going to always be doing things for the sake of love and acceptance. All the world is a stage! It becomes an issue when A) you forget yourself and B) you are not aligned to the values, systems, or mission of the person/people that you’ve been performing for. And that misalignment can happen a lot. When it does, it’s hard to motivate yourself to break the cycle or do things that are good for you.

The tip: Write out your core values and what you want your purpose in life to be. To even know if you’re aligned with the people you’ve been seeking approval from, it requires to know thyself. Done that before? Do it again freshly. Then, make a list of the people that you seek approval from. Do your actions with this person align with your values? Sometimes, yes, and it’s nice to be reminded of that link. Other times, no: you’ve been maybe a bit of a weirdo. You’ve been giving trying-too-hard. You could probably just ease up on the dance of like-me-like-me-like-me and choose to do activities that fulfill on your purpose.

And I get it. You could be seeking approval from a boss/company whose values you definitely don’t share because you need a paycheck. Set some boundaries and goals for yourself so you know it’s not permanent, and you are the one making the clear choice (something is not choosing for you). This paragraph is a whole ‘nother post, so I’ll stop here and leave it at this.

You may think that even outside of work, that you must get this person or group of people’s approval because if not, it means X, Y, & Z. Consider that in those cases (and actually, even with your job), no one has chosen for you. I get that there is systemic racism, misogyny, homo-and-trans-phobia, and societal factors that drive probabilities based on the skin you’re born into. Hello… lesbian Palestinian woman over here… Whatever it is for you, it does not define you. You define your life and your actions. You define how you receive what you’re given. Receive it knowing you’re an inherent bad ass, you can build levels of support around you and rely on them, and there may be more possible out there than your immediate mind wants you to believe. ( m a y b e . . . ) 🤫

Seek approval only from JESU–jk. I mean, if you’re into that, go for it, I ain’t faith-shamin’. Seek approval from those you share values with and then put that approval on a shelf. You don’t need it but it’s a cute shelf decoration that totally could get lost in a move or smashed by your cat and you’d be okay.